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The Dark Great Sage
"If I was betting, man, I'd definitely throw the money on the fucking Illuminati alien demons from the Dark Great Sage itself." -Calvin Vail Dark Great Sage (January 1, 2017 - January 3, 2017) The Dark Great Sage was a three-day battle expected to be a war that would last a couple fucking centuries or some shit. Participants include the fucking Illuminati alien demons of Venus, the Vikings from the Northwest Angle, a trio of Asiandian tribes, and uh, oh yeah, the US government, who else? Though the pussy fights ended after a few short days, a lot of shit happened that changed the course of history forever, probably. Happy New Year, Bitches President Baywatch Osama was enjoying his last few days as president in the shittiest wedge of New York, licking some half-burnt ten-dollar mac and cheese off of a quality paper plate. All of a sudden, Tai Lopez started fingering his butthole! No, wait, that was Christmas. Not December 25, like Christmas from Season 19 of Big Brother. Yeah, man, she just jumped out from under a table and started fingering his bootyhole, using those amazing speed skills she learned from her pit crew days. Anyway, everybody was pretty chill until some aliens fucking came out of nowhere like the Flash's episode of Invasion. Those sons of dick-licking cunts just broke the goddamn glass doors like they were made of some very fragile material, it was literally insane, dude. They were just some hellfire demons from Venus or something, looking to harvest our internal organs while gagging on our external ones. President Tsar Bomba over here didn't last all too long, they fingered his asshole harder and faster than Christmas ever could, even better than Barry It's-Allen-The-Wrist could. By the time Hatman and Robin Hood could get there, the demons had already taken hostage Christmas, a couple secret cervix guys, those overpricing employees, and some underfed customers. So, naturally, the two faggots in Halloween costumes shouted "Eminem is my rap god" and "Fuck the free world" before going into the restroom and hanging themselves with their shoelaces. The bodies were unfortunately never found, cuz nobody gave a single shit about them and were too lazy to go back for them. On January 2nd, some rednecks had taken the vice president hostage and refused to release him until all thirteen of them were made president. During this Mexican standoff, the hellfire demons decided to rip the fucking roof off of the "pale temple" of "East Merry Land". I think they're talking about the White House and DC, but that Venison Bible is really fucking confusing. Anyway, they started throwing hostages at the rednecks and secret pervert agents, killing a lot of them while the others escaped. Don't worry, Hoe Biden got his neck snapped when they threw Christmas at him, and she luckily survived, only shattering the bones in her leg for the second time. Waiting outside were two Asiandian tribes and the Angle Vikings who had fuck-buddied up to eliminate the alien threat in the name of our holy lord Vader Predator II. Using Asiandian bow techniques to their advantage, the Vikings made sure to kill most of the rednecks first, as they ran out of the building wetting their shit-stained long-johns. The opposition was chased away like some skinny-ass kid running from a pimp, but the Illuminati aliens didn't dare follow when they eventually retreated into Starbucks. All the other demons would laugh at them and call them basic, they wouldn't wanna be caught dead in such an awful place. The defense woke up the next day and ran outside, charging and screaming like maniacs, until they noticed that the extraterrestrials had gotten tired and fallen asleep on top of what used to be Chuck E. Cheese's. The Vikings and the Lunacökk Tribe used this opportunity to strike at the enemy while the big dog Retryv Tribe went to some diplomacy meeting with the Jungulfahk Tribe. They'd been communicating via these wooden walkie-talkie things, trying to come to an agreement of them joining the war. Eventually, they agreed that they would exchange seventy-two virgins for one goat and some rare, ancient eucalyptus titty milk. By the time the aligned tribes had returned to the plaza, the Vikings and the other tribe had already killed every one of the aliens who hadn't fled the planet's atmosphere. The tribe and the warriors agreed to combine forces permanently, being known as the Lunacökk Vikings from now on. The other two tribes started an Asiandian Reservation where the plaza was and in the surrounding area because the government liked the idea of non-whites cleaning up the mess they barely helped solve. Equality! Category:Events